Ever have one of those lives?

I wish I was more motivated. Not motivated to do anything in particular, just motivated to do anything more meaningful than the day-to-day.

Yeah, Yeah... I know, to most people, I look plenty motivated. I have started a couple businesses, work a lot of hours and go the extra mile at work, and still work hard to be home for the wife and kids, right? Well, the way I see it is a bit different. The view from the inside usually is though, isn't it?

Let's talk about the businesses I've started.
1. Infonesia.net/TheIdeaWeb. Truthfully, this wasn't mine. This was the brain-child of a more talented (and perhaps angrier) individual. I offered a presence, a few ideas, and a sounding board to thoughts. It was a good idea, but the basis was search, and the talented folks at Google released something much better (though at the time, we hated google. Popularity based search engine? Right..) I think now it's just a feed services with forums built in. The company now focuses on building the web-sites of others. I got out of involvement with it when the co-founder snapped on me one day over something probably minor, but perhaps due to my contribution to the business. Neither of us could find our way back to adult-hood as far as our friendship went. Kinda sad really.
2. I suppose there was another plan here to start an ISP, but that was a pipe-dream. My basic plan was to assemble the smartest people I knew and make them do all the work. We had one or two business meetings, I let things fall apart.
3. Emerald Dragonfly. This was a fun idea. Also, not really mine. I mentioned to a friend and fellow gamer that something I really wanted to do would be to open my own gaming retail store. He had similar ideas, so we started a club at his prodding. We used Emerald Dragonfly as a front for the club and had the intention of opening a craft store/coffee shop/gaming store when we had a bit of capital. Things became financially tough for me, I also happened to start getting bored, and I dropped out. Soon after, a gamign store opened in town. Bummer eh? Once again here though, he had all the ideas, and I just followed along.

Seeing a trend here? I am, but I don't know if I'm explaining it properly so who knows.

My job. Well, I do work hard. I work a lot of hours because the work needs to get done and I'd feel guilty if it didn't. I'm not particularly wonderful at it, I just have a large capacity for some of this basic crap. It's not skill, it's just remembering what happened last time. I respond to problems. Mostly I'm reactive though. I have a hard time being pro-active and selling it. I can easily respond to a crisis, but when it comes to original thought, I get bogged down in the minutae quickly. When faced with the opportunity to interject my own ideas, I go blank. When my list gets too long, I have a tendency to zone and do nothing. I often only do as much as I have to to get by. It just looks like i do a lot because there's a lot to do, and it's often tough to justify hiring another person to fill the backlog.

At home, I do a little better, but not much in my own estimation. I do like to make sure I'm around for April and the kids. I like to be home. Given the choice between playing with the kids, doing something with April, or sitting on my ass in front of the boob tube, I'll usually choose the box with the pretty pictures. Or the computer, or some other such non-sense that leaves me unfocused and effort free.

So you see, I wish I was more motivated, but at the moment, I'm just not. What should I do to fix this? Do I really want to or does it just seem likea good idea?

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